It has been a long time since I updated this but I have not felt a need in a while. The prompt for this post comes from music and remembrance of old.
I sit here and wait for I cannot shake the feeling in my head. My eyes bulge with past visions of what could have been and could still be. The unknown of the future and the past. I sit in my room alone with visions of the past and how nostalgic thoughts wreck the brain. This is one of those few times I understand history and why it has been taught throughout the ages. The longing for things, and the decisions that possibly changed for good or bad. I quickly put a play list together for this post and I will put it at the end of this but it was for my own nostalgic purposes, it was the random songs that somehow I have a nostalgic response to and remind me of times past.
Why does nostalgic things wreck from the heart to the brain? Why do these simple thoughts from the past make my heart beat faster and myself as a whole get nervous? I always ask so many questions in my few blogs so far but I believe I have an answer for these. It's because of possible differences that could have occurred during those times, what could have been woven into time instead. It is also because of how close these times were to us. The emotions we had during them, the drive, want, and need that made us make these decisions. What arises though is if it has passed do I regret some of these decisions? In hindsight some may have been done differently but the end result would be the same.
Remembering the times of old is like remembering the bests parts of yourself and the longing of some of the individuals that are not around you anymore. The people and friends that you wish you had kept into contact with before time had caught up and it is not possible anymore. Whose fault in the end was it? Both from my understanding. Separate paths were chosen and even if you were very close to that person you drifted apart. Is that how it is to be until the end of my time? Do I just keep getting new friends and discarding the ones that helped me through so many different times? I really want to get back in touch with so many people but some are gone forever and others might as well be. When my life changes others change around me? Or is it the other way around. I wish for this nostalgic feeling to leave me because I do not like it and have no idea how to suppress it. Maybe I should call up somebody I have not seen in a long time and get together for lunch? Do I really miss these people that much? Would I even care if I talked to them again? I tried that a while ago and realized again why I stopped hanging out with that person.
Maybe this rant means something maybe it does not. Crossing the line might make someone go back to normal but this urge will go away soon and I will forget about these people.
As I said I would post the play list.
I Don't Want to Miss a Thing - Aerosmith
We Are - Ana
Black Nights - ATB
Adam's Song - Blink 182
The Birds and The Bees - Breathe Carolina
Everytime We Touch - Cascada
Listen to your Heart - DHT
Brain Stew - Green Day
Hanging By a Moment - Lifehouse
Reach - Lo-Pro
Last Summer- Lost Prophets
Backmask - Mindless Self Indulgence
Stop And Stare - OneRepublic
Youth of the Nation - P.O.D
Disarm - Smashing Pumpkins
The Other Side - Smile Empty Soul
The Going Rate - Thornley
Baba O'Riley - The Who
The Kill - 30 seconds to mars
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Trying? Hardly
To be honest as this semester comes to a close I have finally decided that I HAVE NEVER REALLY TRIED. EVER!
I have never had the motivation to go over the top in any of my classes. Sure I go to class, I study, and do the work but when teachers tell me I should be spending 2 hours times the amount of credits per week on a class I just laugh. The most time on a class per week I have ever spent is probably 3 hours and total over a semester outside of class about 15 hours. I have been passing all of my classes with B's and higher for the past 3 years. This is the first semester where I am unsure of a class and it is really only because of the teacher. I am just unmotivated in school and have been slipping by since high school.
Is this how it will be in the real world? Will i just be slipping by doing my own bare minimum and still being above standards? That is just ridiculous and I believe that is how most of society is doing things. Everyone is just doing the bare minimum they can do and it somehow is going over standards because the bare minimum has become the standard. Sure there are exceptions, but they are one in a few and end up being shoved away in a development house because they are magically motivated. I will admit that I have learned a lot in college but not as much as I should have. Now I just have a degree where I can say " Hey pay me more because I spent a ton of money on this college thing and got a piece of paper saying I am smart". This college thing has been a long haul and in the end I did it to make more money.
Is college financially prudent? Ask the bearded man.
I have never had the motivation to go over the top in any of my classes. Sure I go to class, I study, and do the work but when teachers tell me I should be spending 2 hours times the amount of credits per week on a class I just laugh. The most time on a class per week I have ever spent is probably 3 hours and total over a semester outside of class about 15 hours. I have been passing all of my classes with B's and higher for the past 3 years. This is the first semester where I am unsure of a class and it is really only because of the teacher. I am just unmotivated in school and have been slipping by since high school.
Is this how it will be in the real world? Will i just be slipping by doing my own bare minimum and still being above standards? That is just ridiculous and I believe that is how most of society is doing things. Everyone is just doing the bare minimum they can do and it somehow is going over standards because the bare minimum has become the standard. Sure there are exceptions, but they are one in a few and end up being shoved away in a development house because they are magically motivated. I will admit that I have learned a lot in college but not as much as I should have. Now I just have a degree where I can say " Hey pay me more because I spent a ton of money on this college thing and got a piece of paper saying I am smart". This college thing has been a long haul and in the end I did it to make more money.
Is college financially prudent? Ask the bearded man.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Recklessness Delirium
Here I am awake and unable to fall asleep. I ask myself to many questions within my brain that keeps me sidetracked from the real task. I love sleeping and am usually able to fall asleep easily but, tonight is one of those nights where I am unable to fall asleep due to the questions I constantly ask myself. Why has society accepted different things? Why has my own lifestyle differed from so many others? Why do I sometimes get an empty feeling inside when I am all alone and unable to fall asleep? These questions constantly protrude my brain and make me think so many things at once I cannot do what I normally do and just create the fire image and burn everything until I sleep. So here I am at an attempt of writing on these questions I cannot seem to grasp.
Why has society accepted different things? I understand individuality and that we are all raised differently and have different interests. Why has society accepted religion and killing for example? Killing in a more dramatic sense for between nations at war killing is a necessity for survival or so it seems. Religion is also a strange subject because of how it came about and stayed. For Killing is it right to just kill someone straight out with no mercy? Can it be justified even if that man has killed another? What if that man had a need of survival to kill? It seems so justified in war that killing is just the normal human behavior, a behavior shared by all predators. Killing for survival is just what has been done will be done. Why then do we fear death? That is another subject which I might try and open one day but it will never be answered. If taking a life deserves death than the one that takes the life of the one that took a life would need to be killed. It is a never ending cycle and makes no sense. Killing in my opinion could be justified for the acts of wrongdoing especially in a sane person. If a man knowingly kills another and does it just because then yes he should deserve death or an entire life of nothing. That man deserves exile where he cannot harm or enjoy the rest of his life because he took it from another. In some religions it is believed that killing can be justified through god or whatever is being worshiped. This is just an escape to bring death to someone. It is accepted because society accepts this religion. Is religion also an escape? Is it so we believe in something that can save us from our death? I am just rambling on this and lost my thought process so lets go on.
Why has my own lifestyle differed from so many others? I was brought up in a church from when I was born to my teenage years. I went or was forced to go every Sunday. I learned all about the Christian religion and how it would save me. I hated it, it made me never want to go back. I don't know if it was my parents or just my own person that made me hate it. I ended up completely different from anyone else though. I was a very energetic kid so my parents also put me in sports. I liked to play these sports because I was able to run around or exert energy on something that made me tired. This was my undoing in high school. I was a kid that had completely different interests from those that I spent most of the day with. They never really talked to me with an exception of a few and I ended up having a different lunch than my real friends so I ended up becoming invisible. I was just alone and it was strange. I liked it for a while but it got very lonely. Does this mean humanity needs companions to survive? Are we a race that requires other persons around us to really grasp what is going on? Is this why I have an empty feeling in my stomach when I am alone and unable to fall asleep?
Loneliness is what some strive on and what some fear. Is that even what this empty feeling is? I think it might be. I think humanity is drawn to one another for some reason. This is why I like how star trek has the unity thing going on. How they have humanity finally together for an objective of exploration and peace. I really hope one day that humanity becomes that way but i never know if it will. People are just to arrogant and have warped ideals of what humanity should be doing. Could having these companions make you happy though? Could having someone around you constantly who knows you make you happy? Someone you could tell anything to that would never judge you? Someone who pushes you to be yourself and enjoy what is going on around you? In my opinion we all need help from even just one individual.
Help comes in many different forms but having someone there to help you always makes life better. People need other people to help them along their journey. This some might say is how people can become happy and also how people become depressed. Just putting yourself out there and trying for anything, any connection regardless of the consequence is very hard but if succeeds makes the end justify any of the means. If this is what being happy is all about then I would say I am happy. I am not sure if any of this even makes sense and my point may have been lost long ago but with this my mind is a bit clear and I understand I am happy and should always remember that. Strong, Loving, Admirable and intelligent people are around me and I am happy because of it. Especially the one I help sleep.
Who knows what will happen but choices will define the characteristics of a person.
Why has society accepted different things? I understand individuality and that we are all raised differently and have different interests. Why has society accepted religion and killing for example? Killing in a more dramatic sense for between nations at war killing is a necessity for survival or so it seems. Religion is also a strange subject because of how it came about and stayed. For Killing is it right to just kill someone straight out with no mercy? Can it be justified even if that man has killed another? What if that man had a need of survival to kill? It seems so justified in war that killing is just the normal human behavior, a behavior shared by all predators. Killing for survival is just what has been done will be done. Why then do we fear death? That is another subject which I might try and open one day but it will never be answered. If taking a life deserves death than the one that takes the life of the one that took a life would need to be killed. It is a never ending cycle and makes no sense. Killing in my opinion could be justified for the acts of wrongdoing especially in a sane person. If a man knowingly kills another and does it just because then yes he should deserve death or an entire life of nothing. That man deserves exile where he cannot harm or enjoy the rest of his life because he took it from another. In some religions it is believed that killing can be justified through god or whatever is being worshiped. This is just an escape to bring death to someone. It is accepted because society accepts this religion. Is religion also an escape? Is it so we believe in something that can save us from our death? I am just rambling on this and lost my thought process so lets go on.
Why has my own lifestyle differed from so many others? I was brought up in a church from when I was born to my teenage years. I went or was forced to go every Sunday. I learned all about the Christian religion and how it would save me. I hated it, it made me never want to go back. I don't know if it was my parents or just my own person that made me hate it. I ended up completely different from anyone else though. I was a very energetic kid so my parents also put me in sports. I liked to play these sports because I was able to run around or exert energy on something that made me tired. This was my undoing in high school. I was a kid that had completely different interests from those that I spent most of the day with. They never really talked to me with an exception of a few and I ended up having a different lunch than my real friends so I ended up becoming invisible. I was just alone and it was strange. I liked it for a while but it got very lonely. Does this mean humanity needs companions to survive? Are we a race that requires other persons around us to really grasp what is going on? Is this why I have an empty feeling in my stomach when I am alone and unable to fall asleep?
Loneliness is what some strive on and what some fear. Is that even what this empty feeling is? I think it might be. I think humanity is drawn to one another for some reason. This is why I like how star trek has the unity thing going on. How they have humanity finally together for an objective of exploration and peace. I really hope one day that humanity becomes that way but i never know if it will. People are just to arrogant and have warped ideals of what humanity should be doing. Could having these companions make you happy though? Could having someone around you constantly who knows you make you happy? Someone you could tell anything to that would never judge you? Someone who pushes you to be yourself and enjoy what is going on around you? In my opinion we all need help from even just one individual.
Help comes in many different forms but having someone there to help you always makes life better. People need other people to help them along their journey. This some might say is how people can become happy and also how people become depressed. Just putting yourself out there and trying for anything, any connection regardless of the consequence is very hard but if succeeds makes the end justify any of the means. If this is what being happy is all about then I would say I am happy. I am not sure if any of this even makes sense and my point may have been lost long ago but with this my mind is a bit clear and I understand I am happy and should always remember that. Strong, Loving, Admirable and intelligent people are around me and I am happy because of it. Especially the one I help sleep.
Who knows what will happen but choices will define the characteristics of a person.
Friday, November 5, 2010
first thing first
I woke up this morning and ate a then went to work and had a swell time. This work has been busy this past week and I have met some strange people. I ended up moving computers. Once finished with work I went to Megans condo and took care of her dog Kevin. Megan got home and took a nap while I took care of her dog and idly watched T.V which I really do not enjoy in large sums but am to lazy to do anything else. I took a test after I rudely woke up Megan. Now I have to wake up and go to Jesus Saves tomorrow morning for a project I unwillingly had to participate in. Goodbye this was for Megan, real blog posts to follow.
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